Heartstopper is a coming-of-age love story by Alice Oseman. After a year of bullying after being outed, Charlie Spring starts a new year at Truman Grammar School for Boys. Here he meets and befriends Nick Nelson, an upperclassman who — much to Charlie’s bewilderment — is nothing but absolutely friendly and kind to him. As they become closer friends each passing day — as well as teammates on the rugby team at Nick’s insistence — Charlie can’t help but fall for the ever-growingly affectionate yet presumably straight Nick. As Charlie tries to keep his feelings in check, Nick finds himself unable to keep away from Charlie and starts on his own journey of self-discovery and acceptance.
What does Nick’s process of acceptance say about the bisexual experience?
Humanity loves its categories. Our understanding of the world around us comes from the ability to differentiate one thing from another. However, what essentially started from identifying what plants were edible and which animals were dangerous was also applied to people. These people look like me, these don’t; these people think like me while these others don’t; and these people fall in love the same way I do, but those people don’t. Using factors like these to create categories can be argued to be inevitable, but what can be disputed is how they’re based on binaries. Basically, it’s always one thing or the other; it’s never both or in-between, but the truth is much more diverse than that. As a result, many critical thinkers such as Gloria Anzaldúa have sought to deconstruct these binary systems, especially in the realm of human sexuality, where many people still operate within the binary of gay and straight.
Credit: Alice Oseman
A four-panel page.
First panel: A Google landing page with “am I gay?” typed into the search bar.
Second panel: A close-up of a finger pressing an enter key.
Third panel: A close-up of Nick’s face, wide-eyed and annoyed. Around the panel, there are snippets of different search results offering gay quizzes and tests.
Fourth panel: A close-up of a finger pressing the backspace key.
Herein lies Nick’s major dilemma in this part of Heartstopper: he is starting to have strong feelings for Charlie, but he’s had crushes on girls before and is still attracted to them. What does this mean then? Is he gay or straight? Liking a boy definitely doesn’t make him straight, but does also being attracted to girls negate his application for a gay card? These are the contradictions that binary systems create, which lead to frustration and confusion at not being able to label one’s self in a society that demands you check a neatly designated box. The fact that Nick’s first search was “am i gay?” speaks volumes as to how ingrained these binaries are; it’s the category closest to his feelings he’s aware of. The search results also have a lot to say: as gayness has become more acceptable in society, it has also been trivialized and monetized. Nonetheless, Nick’s incidental course in the nuances of online search queries also led him into the nuances of human sexuality.
Credit: Alice Oseman
A five-panel page:
First panel: A Google landing page with “I like girls but now I like a boy????” typed in the search bar.
Second panel: A close-up of Nick’s very tired and resigned face.
Third panel: A close-up of his finger hovering over the enter key.
Fourth panel: A close-up of Nick’s eyes, half-closed with bags underneath.
Fifth panel: Nick shuts the laptop closed with both hands.
Credit: Alice Oseman
A four-panel page.
First panel: A close-up of Nick’s rugby friends, lined up.
Christian: But Nick’s not gay, is he?
Sai: Well, I guess we don’t know.
Otis: He doesn’t look gay. And didn’t he have a crush on that girl Tara Jones?
Second panel: Ms. Singh, the rugby coach, shows up next to Christian. The boys look at her from the corner of their eyes. Only Christian is surprised to see her there.
Ms. Singh: You can’t tell whether people are gay by what they look like.
Third panel: A profiled close-up of Ms. Singh, eyes closed and speaking very matter-of-factly.
Ms. Singh: And gay or straight aren’t the only two options. Anyway, it’s very rude to speculate about people’s sexuality. Go home lads.
Fourth panel: A close-up of the boys as they listen to Ms. Singh.
In general, it’s hard to break away from the binary way of thinking we’ve been socialized in. There is comfort in clear, well-defined categories because the alternatives — ambivalence and nuance — lead to nothing but anxiety over the indiscernible. This is seen in the panel above, in Nick’s hesitation and fear of discovering he might not fit into the two boxes society has placed before him. He is fighting a battle against years of passive indoctrination through constantly-reinforced notions of how gay and straight people supossedly look, act, and simply are. Nick’s methodical journey of self-discovery contrasts greatly with the insight his teammates got from their coach. While their notions of sexuality were swiftly called out as narrow by a wiser person, Nick’s deconstruction is raw and painful. He is aware that society does not look kindly on those who do not fit in, and his existence in a third space will be constantly challenged from all sides.